Hey there little buddy.

Hello audience. I bet I don't have an audience. Actually, that makes me much more comfortable about my blogging experience - nobody is watching, so I can BARE MY SOUL.

Anyway, this week I gave up smoking, which was a very good idea. I'm already feeling much better. I've also had a lot of songs stuck in my head for long periods of time, such as; the animal hospital theme tune, windowlicker, happy together (yes, again) and club tropicana. This week Steve said; it's like Christmas on my cock, Alex said; thats not asian, thats just curry sauce. Some other people probably said some other brilliant things that I am forgetting, but NEVER MIND.

Today I started to read John Pilger's 'New Rulers of the World' and it made me very upset. The more I read, the more I realise that the world is a sad, twisted place. What I am slowly beginning to understand is that everything we touch is tainted, and the only way to have any positive effect is through awareness. Unfortunately, unpleasant truths are hard to swallow, for all of us. Things are going to have to get a lot worse before the public become conscious of the skulls they are treading on.

And on that note, goodnight.

It's boring, don't read it.

Hello again. Today I am going to blog freely about everything which comes into my head, until I get distracted by something.

News: I'll start with my musings on erotica. We've been set a 2000 word story conforming to one particular genre in 'Writing Genre Fiction'. So I've been reading (in the hope to write) some 'quality' erotica. However easy that (writing it) might initially seem, I have been running into issues. The main one being that most erotic writing tends to cater to an incredibly niche market. The assumptions I had about my own open mindedness in sex are being questioned. There are some recurring themes; BDSM and a lot of casual sex with strangers - I was expecting that. What I was not expecting was incest, boot polishing fetishes, stalking and murder. Obviously, as in any genre, everyone has slightly different expectations and ideals in erotica. All I'm looking for is hot interesting characters having hot sex (give me chemistry! GIVE IT TO ME!) Hopefully I'm not alone. The virtues I can see in this are that the fantasy element works, and the conventions can serve as a skeleton for a story. Despite that, it is an incredibly diverse genre where anything goes, as long as it has the potential to arouse at least some of it's audience. Considering all of this, I'm hoping to develop characters as realistically and complexly as I can in 2000 words. Hopefully this will give the sex (and the story) some actual depth and originality. Wish me luck.

In other news, I've been reading some of John Pilger's work for an essay in journalism (actually, I should probably be reading it right now.) I have fallen in love with him. His ethics, his commitment to publishing the truth and the dedication in which he works are all incredible.

In extra other news, I've been treated to some of my favorite things lately. I have a few special friends to thank for incredible dinners (out and in) Chicago (with incredible seats) and Rocky Horror (ditto). Thank you again, you beautiful brilliant people.

LOVE

Goodbye.

*Shy wave*

I feel like I've come crawling back to this blog, and to writing in general. I seem to have just let my ideas bob about in the deep confused ocean (exhibit A - that's me - just forgot how to spell ocean, and EXHIBIT) Cor blimey, I'm beginning to worry myself with my own stupidity.

Well, I will start from the beginning, kind of. I've been getting way back into reading and I've been watching everything I can get my hands on. Dear God, I sound like a hermit. I have also been socialising.

Well, that is enough for now. I will be back tomorrow. I'm going to keep up this blogging business if it kills me.

Ta-ta

Optimism

It's a strange time. It's always a strange time.

I've been appreciating a lot of people's work, and trying to prepare myself for what lies ahead. Far too many things to mention, even if I did mention actual things. It's a good job this isn't some sort of diary for so many reasons. It could seem odd I'm never specific, but to me it makes sense. I know deep down somewhere it's because I want to try and reach deeper subjects than I can by just discussing the events themselves. I do realise that this makes what I am writing self indulgent, and that I'm not wise enough yet to draw the meaningful conclusions I hope to. And it is selfish, because I'm using it as a (far too irregular) way of refining the way I write, and I am learning. It's going to take a lot of patience, and a lot of practice; personal development and all that.

In other news, it has come to my attention that people seem to think I'm some sort of shining beacon of hope. This is all very weird for me, because I cry and moan such a lot. I assumed that the people around me saw my poor fragile soul for what it is. I need to toughen up, and I thought that was coming across in the way I am, but, apparently not. It's a good thing!

It's funny how, when everything slows down, and the pressure is off, Brian seems to wake up again. He's been sleeping in a fog of intoxicants and procrastination for some time now (no regrets there.) But still, the ideas and the willingness to write seem to be returning to me, in waves, slowly picking up speed *insert tacky train metaphor here*.

Despite how busy this summer is likely to be, I fully intend to spend a lot of it under the pile of brilliant books I've been acquiring over the last few months without time to actually get through them.

Oh shallow world.

It is very late, and I am awake because I am deeply troubled.

Silly as it sounds, all of this restlessness stems from something I watched earlier. It was about a television presenter who is worried that her career is going nowhere, and was considering 'lads mag photoshoots'. The program concluded that she was too silly to be sexy.

Now my problem is this: If a beautiful, intelligent woman is discarded for her sense of humour, where is the hope for the rest of us? I'm not sure what I have to give personally to the world, but I've always assumed that I'd somehow get ahead with my identity intact. Sure, television is a cruel industry, there are a lot of those. But, this is a shallow place now, where we are.

I'm not sharing this thought with whoever reads it to make a statement on feminism (as much as I am a supporter of that cause) but because I am genuinely concerned that society has started to forget about the good in people. Commodification seems to have reached a level none of us can ever hope to control, and a consensus on what is beautiful and what is good rules sovereign. There has always been prejudice, and limits on what certain people can achieve for completely unfair reasons. But now, easy, consumable entertainment is all the public seems to care about.

It's getting tough out there.

Again, gah.

Is it just me, or are grouphug confessions getting more ambiguous? I can never tell what they mean anymore, gone are the days where I could spend the days wandering in and out of other people's lives.

I really hate essays, they're so ridiculous.

I think I drank a bit too much coke..

I forgot how horrifically stressful work can be. But it's been a relatively productive day, and I'm feeling less stressed now, more hyper.. It's such a weird time too, there are only a few people here right now, and the whole place feels so deserted. It makes me feel a little bit like I'd keel over without my laptop (more so than usual) as (very sadly) it's providing me with my main source of social contact. Oh dear, reading it back makes it sound even worse..

I'm also developing some grand plans, which is adding to, not only my stress, but my hyperactivity too. A week just isn't long enough to get everything done and clean up the odds and ends of my life.

Even more bizarrely, I'm feeling an odd sense of calm come over me every now and then. But I have my suspicions that this is just a side effect to all of the clutter and stress in my mind.

I've never been a person to post lyrics anywhere, but today, I came across a song I wish I had heard a few months ago. It pretty much describes what I was failing to put into words. Well, better late than never I suppose.

I know its gonna take some time,
For you to feel that its alright,
And not making people choose a side,
But I don't mind,
You trying to get some people on yours,
I know that it takes some time,
But I must try,
I just want you to understand,

When things don't feel right,
And you know deep in side,
It breaks your heart,
But you must get out,

And I know you're gonna be alright,
And I hope you find your way and I hope your futures bright,
But I am the way this feels inside,
But all i wanna do is make it to the other side,
No I don't wanna know why,
You just can't let this go,
But I must try,
I just want you to understand.

Awwwwh Newton, you beautiful man..

Another thing that came out of today is that I need a massage because slouching in a chair all day is giving me a bad back..

Over and out.

Sweet dreams

xx

Just some self indulgent poop.

So it’s late, and my usual sleeping methods aren’t working as of yet (ya get me boys and girls?) I’m restlessly itching to bear my soul to the world again. It doesn’t sound very sane when put like that, does it?

I need to sort my life out. (I think I may have said that before..)

But really, I’m in need of some order, and some peace. The problem is; the fact that I’ve never really experienced either of those things makes them completely unattainable. Shame..

So after struggling to start writing an essay, I’ve been lying awake, wishing for rest, waiting for peace. And I feel useless, I really do, there’s not a lot I can think of to use my time constructively right now.

Someone asked me today ‘what are you running from?’ Good fucking question, I don’t know. And when I tried to answer it myself, I only found more questions. But that, as we all know, is what always happens when one thinks too much. I’m anxious, and restless, and I always have been. I’m out for meaning, like the best of us, peace, love, happiness.. All that. But am I getting anywhere, or am I just walking into spiderwebs? I don’t know.

I can’t do this forever, I’ll need a big delicious breakdown after a while. (But actually, I'll be fine.)

'A mental mindfuck can be nice'

..but it can also be very fucking confusing. I think I need to simmer down a little if I want my relationships to survive. I am a strange lady, but luckily, it is becoming increasingly obvious that the people in my life are pretty odd too.

And now, I must go, for a girly sleepover.

I need to sort my life out.

A little incoherent rant about feeling lucky to have friends.

Today has got me to thinking about friendships. Wonderful wonderful friendships.

There have been a lot of things to make me happy, and a lot of things to make me sad, and then a film made me very confused. Woah there, a direct reference to my life, I think I'm getting too comfortable with this blogging lark.. Anywho, it seems as though what I have in my friends is reaffirming itself to me in various ways. Sometimes it takes a reunion, sometimes it takes a worry. I guess our needs for contact and support are the fundamental foundations for any sort of healthy relationship. And thats why it helps. But ENOUGH analysis. I am very tired, which is why my thoughts are coming out in even more of a messy clump then usual. But as this is a blog and not an essay, I hope I'll be forgiven.

And as I leave you tonight, my life is happily intact.

Love

x

Gah!

Yes I know, two blogs in two days, it's pretty odd. But as the pressure to work has started up again, it's an excellent form of procrastination..

It's also a little scary, knowing how much needs to be done in such a short period of time, gah! My computer doesn't think gah is a word, it definitely is. I've gotten so used to lying around doing exactly as I please, it's going to be a struggle motivating my lazy behind.

I've also noticed that I seem to be publishing my every thought on facebook, which is not only pathetic, but also makes me highly hypocritical. Even writing a blog is pretty exhibitionistic (yes, that is a word, and if it isn't, it's a term I'm coining right now) but we all have to vent somehow, don't we?

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to read all about New Hollywood, and possibly fall asleep on this very comfy chair..

Love

Independance

It's on my mind.

It's odd that it's taken me so long to actually pass comment on it, it's been a recurring theme in my life for so long now. I've wished for it since I was a little girl, and fought fiercely against any sort of authority I've encountered. I've grown up, learned a little more every day about how the world works, and where I fit in to all that. Now it feels like I carry my world on my back, and everyone else's worries on my shoulders. Theoretically, it should have turned me into a useless, nervous wreck by now, but I seem to have taken at least most of it in my stride, dealing with each thing as it comes. Probably because it hasn't all happened at once.

But when I stopped to think about it, I realised it's a lot more significant then I had previously thought.. Though the little independence I have now (compared with what I expect to have when I grow up) is largely artificial, controlled and measured, it still brings a lot of responsibility. I don't have a lot of restrictions anymore, I can see who I want, when I want (providing they want to see me of course) and do what I want whenever I want (within reason). That alone seems to have brought me up a level in terms of emotional maturity (comparatively). Although I can call in favours from time to time, to take the pressure off and cry like a baby (usually to my mum) I tend to deal with my shit alone, and a lot more. It occurred to me today, that maybe it's not exactly healthy, and maybe, I've neglected to tell the people I care about that I feel this way. They should know, I could be overdue for a breakdown (probably not though).

One of the most important things to take away from this I think though, is how much I appreciate the help I've had in my times of need. And to be entirely fair to the people who know, the people who matter, and who care, there have been many.

<3

Love from me.

Hello

In a rare moment of tranquility, I've decided to come and say hello, just to show my face.

As much as life seems to be throwing at me right now, I don't think I'm dealing with it too badly at all. I've sorted out about as many things as it's possible to, and now I'm basking in the rays of sunlight which happen to come my way.

Education seems to be climbing on my list of priorities too, despite missing a couple of seminars. I've managed to avoid fucking up the first term :) which gives me faith in this next one. And so far, I'm enjoying journalism far more than I expected to.

*cuddles*

It's late!

In a way, I suppose I've been holding back on blogging for a while because I've been at a point in my life where I'm not keen on the idea of publishing my every feeling. I have enough questions fired at me anyway. But I seem to have remembered somewhere along the way, the value of putting fingertips to keyboard and making some sense of my thoughts. It can help a lot sometimes. Though I'm considering finding a more private place to put my deeper, darker thoughts. For now though, here we are.

In life, as much as we try to convince ourselves that we do things for the greater good, and benefit of others, it needs to be accepted that this is not always the case. Eventually, most people tend to just go for what it is they really want. The only reason people do not accept this on a fairly regular basis, is that cultural customs, negotiated meanings and learned pleasures and pains make very convenient distractions. It's a shame then, that even when we do accept this selfishness as a reality, it does not make anything any easier. In fact, it seems like this has been violently biting me in the ass lately. I don't mean to say that it does not apply to me in the slightest (I'm an excellent example) but it does get infuriating when you are reminded of the fact that it is not necessarily you who determines what happens in your life, just the way people perceive you. As much as my mother tells me 'you can't be responsible for anyone else's feelings', it sure can fucking seem like it.

I've also noticed lately, the problems in my life, and people close to me, are shared by thousands of people, all over the place. Thank God for the internet to remind me of that. It gives me some sort of faith that not only is it all normal, but that it will have to sort itself out at some point, being the boring little problem that it is (in the bigger picture).

That being said, there are some things which have come to light when talking to a friend today, reminding me of how lucky I am to be alive. Yet another thing, I suppose, to remind me not to worry so much about what is going on in my naive little world.

As much as life can certainly be a bitch, lets all just take a little comfort in the fact that we've at least got a shot at being happy, and achieving what we dream of in life.

Though that may be a cliche, hypocritical, full of inaccuracies and possibly even bad grammar, it's the closest I can get right now. And I don't ever remember ever claiming to be perfect.

I'll leave you with a little message from David Firth <3

http://www.fat-pie.com/love.htm

Oh, and don't forget to have a romantic day everyone.

Hummmmm...

I feel funny after finishing a fantastic book. It seems like these days the feeling I get after finishing an amazing piece of writing is more of inadequacy and jealousy than I'd like to admit. Though I'm going to need to be doing a lot of reading if I ever want to finish all of the books I'm currently buying. I'm going to use the words which the deputy head of my secondary school when I got caught cheating on all of my coursework 'I'm going to put it down to an over enthusiasm for wanting to doing well..'

I'd like to apologise for my lack of effort on the blogging front. I've been working really hard, that's it I promise. Just trying to hone my style, and learn how to channel my thoughts into something better than useless. This blog will reap the benefits one of these days, I hope.

I sat up writing till about 4am last night, and I haven't looked at it since, so either it's a fantastic idea, or a really poor one which my delirious state confused with brilliant. Either way, at least I frigging wrote something. The problem is, there isn't a lot of dialogue, and I know Russ thinks it's an integral part which every story needs to make it come to life. I prey he doesn't mark it. Unfortunately, I don't think dialogue would really work with it, because I'd like it to be interpreted in quite a few ways, and be used as a metaphor for something which happens in a lot of cultures. And as speech is pretty culturally specific, it makes it difficult. Of course, I could pick a culture, and allow it to still represent others in a looser way, which would make it more specific and give it more direction. But I don't think I want to do that. I like being vague :).

Now I've got to do the dishes. DAMN YOU CRUEL WORLD.