Again, gah.

Is it just me, or are grouphug confessions getting more ambiguous? I can never tell what they mean anymore, gone are the days where I could spend the days wandering in and out of other people's lives.

I really hate essays, they're so ridiculous.

I think I drank a bit too much coke..

I forgot how horrifically stressful work can be. But it's been a relatively productive day, and I'm feeling less stressed now, more hyper.. It's such a weird time too, there are only a few people here right now, and the whole place feels so deserted. It makes me feel a little bit like I'd keel over without my laptop (more so than usual) as (very sadly) it's providing me with my main source of social contact. Oh dear, reading it back makes it sound even worse..

I'm also developing some grand plans, which is adding to, not only my stress, but my hyperactivity too. A week just isn't long enough to get everything done and clean up the odds and ends of my life.

Even more bizarrely, I'm feeling an odd sense of calm come over me every now and then. But I have my suspicions that this is just a side effect to all of the clutter and stress in my mind.

I've never been a person to post lyrics anywhere, but today, I came across a song I wish I had heard a few months ago. It pretty much describes what I was failing to put into words. Well, better late than never I suppose.

I know its gonna take some time,
For you to feel that its alright,
And not making people choose a side,
But I don't mind,
You trying to get some people on yours,
I know that it takes some time,
But I must try,
I just want you to understand,

When things don't feel right,
And you know deep in side,
It breaks your heart,
But you must get out,

And I know you're gonna be alright,
And I hope you find your way and I hope your futures bright,
But I am the way this feels inside,
But all i wanna do is make it to the other side,
No I don't wanna know why,
You just can't let this go,
But I must try,
I just want you to understand.

Awwwwh Newton, you beautiful man..

Another thing that came out of today is that I need a massage because slouching in a chair all day is giving me a bad back..

Over and out.

Sweet dreams

xx

Just some self indulgent poop.

So it’s late, and my usual sleeping methods aren’t working as of yet (ya get me boys and girls?) I’m restlessly itching to bear my soul to the world again. It doesn’t sound very sane when put like that, does it?

I need to sort my life out. (I think I may have said that before..)

But really, I’m in need of some order, and some peace. The problem is; the fact that I’ve never really experienced either of those things makes them completely unattainable. Shame..

So after struggling to start writing an essay, I’ve been lying awake, wishing for rest, waiting for peace. And I feel useless, I really do, there’s not a lot I can think of to use my time constructively right now.

Someone asked me today ‘what are you running from?’ Good fucking question, I don’t know. And when I tried to answer it myself, I only found more questions. But that, as we all know, is what always happens when one thinks too much. I’m anxious, and restless, and I always have been. I’m out for meaning, like the best of us, peace, love, happiness.. All that. But am I getting anywhere, or am I just walking into spiderwebs? I don’t know.

I can’t do this forever, I’ll need a big delicious breakdown after a while. (But actually, I'll be fine.)