Rawr

Tonight, I've not been able to concentrate on a thing. Just hopping around from thing to thing, getting nowhere with anything. Frustration I suppose, and the giant stack of things I need to be doing, should be doing and want to be doing. It never ever ends.

So I've been thinking that there's one place I want to be, and it's all there in my mind, ready to happen. If I could decide on a whim just to follow it, and ignore everything else for a while, I've no doubt that I'd be happy in the short term, but I know I'd ultimately be shooting myself in the foot. So I'll carry on struggling, until I can get back to where I know it is I'll be happy. At least I can take salvation in that I have that thing to go back to eventually, when the rest is done. A lot of people don't have that.

Sorry about that grumble there..

:)

It's not until just now, that I have realised how happy I am. It's probably a few things which have reminded me of it I suppose, and it's bound to be attacked by some sort of troubles sometime soon. But to tell you the truth, I'm just happy to be in the here and now, with all I have. I really can look back to a point when I was truly unhappy, and see how much has changed. It's just easy to miss whats there, when there are so many other things to chase and to dwell on.

I should remind myself more often that it isn't all about money, or achievements.

'I can’t expect you to like me, when I don’t even like myself'
Anon - Grouphug

A lack of productivity.

Having sat down today to concentrate on writing, reading and generally trying to focus (particularly on my short story) I was depressed to find a lack of... Substance? It seems like so often, I saturate myself in the masses of resources around me (books/articles to read, films to watch etc. etc.) and it's sending me into a downward spiral of awe which I can never compare myself to. It's going to take a lot of time, effort and thought to be able to produce any sort of original piece of text which I can actually take some pride in. Unfortunately I only have until January. It must seem so ungrateful to blame the work of others for my lack of progress, but really, I think it's more a sign of being afraid of failing to meet my own criteria, which I tend to tie up in the ones I respect.

I promise I'm trying, and I'll keep trying until I get it right.

It's been winter too long already.

'I need the smell of summer, I need it's noises in my ear'

My feet are cold, and my slippers are wet (perhaps it wasn't so sensible to collect my post in them, but I reserve the right to do so without consulting the weather first). Now that I'm coming to the close of my essay it feels as though I would have done so much better to have been lying under a tree, still too hot to move, with a smoothie and some sunglasses.

Time

It's very odd to think that it'd be very unlikely for me to still be sat here contemplating my thoughts if I wasn't waiting for another fire alarm..

But never mind that! Apparently I'm not the only one thinking about time at the moment, which is another strange thing (it's not something I stop to think about very often). I guess it's not so odd that I'm thinking about it, considering it's significance in a narrative (the subject of an essay I'm suffering over). Even as the imagined concept it is, it appears to underpin every element of our (everyone)'s lives. It would be wonderful, ironically, to have Bernards watch at the moment; so little time, so much to do. I might even have time to pull some childish pranks. Time is money, time is everything.

Hardcore rainy days.

I thought it was worth mentioning the things I learned this weekend about being near rivers.

When it rains, it floods, and even though there's a likely-hood of a few casualties along the way, it can be more fun then I would have guessed.

Splish splash sploosh.

Pressure.

So the workload is getting heavier, and I'm desperately attempting to apply myself to the things I was sure I was good at. Somehow, when faced with a challenge I seem to curl up and hide away somewhere safe. Though by studying my favorite things I suppose I am inevitably doomed to narrow my escape routes. (Shouldn't that be a good thing? :S)

I love discussing analyzing and exploring narrative, I really do, it just seems like the incentive to do well is overshadowing the task completely. Hopefully a day of uninterrupted study tomorrow will be the kick I'm looking for to get my mind functioning properly.

In more cheerful news (not that anything previously written was particularly news) I've got a lot to look forward to this weekend, and also a lot to prepare for. I'm so excited :D

A lucky/unlucky tiring day.

I think I mentioned a few days ago, my gratitude towards the people in my life who are there to put up with me, and it's never been more true.. I don't think I've yet mentioned my general dislike for giant horrible uncaring corporations, which might have originally been founded for the sake of the public, but are now all about money.

God I hate trains sometimes.

My very vague ideas on a short story

So just puzzling over this short story, I’ve decided to just see what happens when I just write, and get all of my ideas down on paper. I’m at the early stages, where the raw imagery is just floating around in my brain with attached words and ideas clinging on.

I need to remember the advice I’ve been given on sentence structure – I could do with being clearer. Unfortunately it’s just a habit I’ve picked up somewhere, and am going to need to violently kick as soon as possible if I really intend to get anywhere.

I’d like it to begin with someone waking up, and I want the theme of dreams to underpin and recur within it. Not the basic ‘it was all a dream’ concept, more of a crossing in the bridge of dream and reality. Essentially, bordering on fantasy but with some sort of grounding force to keep it from becoming solely unrealistic. I’ve got nothing against total fantasy, but for now, I’d like to keep to something more solid until I’ve become more comfortable with writing it.

Sleepless and hungry for Kubrick

For some reason, just as I was falling asleep, I was overwhelmed with a strong urge to buy things. Specifically, True Romance and Stanley Kubrick's Lolita, and of course, dresses, wonderful, magical dresses. I was eventually looking at a giant amazing Hitchcock+Kubrick box set. These things brought me back to my computer, and after (painfully) settling for just True Romance, I remained totally restless and frustrated.

I'm sure I didn't used to be such a consumer whore, so what has caused me to be so overcome with buying everything on my inner wish list? I guess it's mainly the knowledge that I've got enough funds to potentially get lots of it. I really hope that It's not some sort of desperate attempt to subconsciously buy happiness (I thought I was happy already!) When I really think about it, suppose it must be something to do with attaining the merchandise to understand and support my work and interests, as much as I hate to admit it.

I need a get rich quick scheme...

Eardrums & Ideas

I do so hate being ill, it makes me so silly and weak. Stupid eardrums. But I'm feeling on the mend at the moment, so I guess it's not so bad.

I've been contemplating and comparing ideas for my short stories (in in January) and it feels as though I've been considering so many ideas for so long that I've created a sort of clump of undeveloped, vague ideas which are worth nothing independently. It's a little disheartening, but if I really concentrate on it for the next few days hopefully something will come of it. I have two to do, and I've decided that one of them will be dark and charged with energy and adjectives, with the other one based more around a narrative (possibly a parallel one). It looks like I'm just going to need to concentrate on keeping my ideas from getting into a big fight and killing each other.

>Explosions/Kung fu<

Well, I'm looking forward to hiding away in the country tomorrow, there's much more time and space to think, and create!

Also, I'm sure the more I practice writing, the easier it's becoming (hooray!) it might still be terrible, but at least I feel like I'm on a path to somewhere better, and more productive!

Hello blog

I can't actually believe I ate soapy popcorn today, I must remember to wash my things out properly before filling them with precious food. Food has never actually been so precious; I remember when it was all just there whenever I wanted it, organic, wholesome and plentiful..

I've been thinking today about relationships, and how truly fucked I would be without them, there's so much I need to give and take from people to even be able to function properly. It just makes me feel so lucky that I'm in that position, comfortably. Somehow whenever I'm looking for someone to be there for me, there always is.

Also, how grateful I am to the great makers of lemsip (or hot painkilling lemony drinks in general) it's the most wonderful soothing thing in the world, and has helped me survive the last few days of what I suspect to be glandy pain.

:)

Today

I'm beginning to wonder how useful this blog is going to end up being in terms of increasing my productivity. Seeing as I'm writing this now instead of focusing on my BFI report (which I am also doing, just with not so much enthusiasm) it's not looking great, but at least what I do write won't melt into nothingness.

*waves coyly*

So I'm finally committing myself to writing in a regular blog (separate to the mandatory one for creative writing). Now it's not that I don't want to do this, I've been looking for a place to put my my thoughts and my ideas, the thought of it is just daunting. The idea of a blog has always fascinated and terrified me a little bit - when you really think about it, it's trusting whoever wants to look at it with whatever happens to be going on in your (in my case my) mind. It's all always been quite well guarded for me, apart from what I let out in incessant talking, so bear with me for now, while I get acquainted with the concept.

So tomorrow I have to go back to concentrating on actual uni work (rather than just reading) and start concentrating on where I actually want my life to go. Now that I finally have the opportunity to concentrate on some of my favorite things I'm getting increasingly worried that I'm not going to make the most out of it - that short attention span of mine will be the death of me. I need to learn some discipline in that respect, and get a grip on what direction I want to take myself in, and whether it's actually possible to earn me some bread by doing it. It's a shame we need that bread..

I'd also like to say a big public thank you to Mr. Breedlove (teehee) for helping motivate me into the whole bloggy thing, it needed to be done. :)

I'll be back soon!